I do not like to color. It doesn’t relax me. In fact it stresses me out. These adult coloring books that are trending; 50 plus pages that I need to fill with color and beauty? My hands cramp and sometimes they slip outside of the lines and then the whole page is messed up. No. That does not sound relaxing to me.
Well then explain to me why I am standing at the counter, receiving a coloring book and colored pencils from a clerk? Walking out of the store with approximately $5 less than I had when I went in?
Why am I sitting at my desk fawning over the sharpness of the wooden colors, feeling their pricks against my fingertips and flipping through the white sketches with stiffled excitement?
“I don’t like coloring” I think to myself as I shade yet another doodled flower from white to merigold. The sunlight from my window spills onto my flowers. And they blossom brighter than before. I like that. But I do not like coloring.
Maybe this was an impulse buy? Or the setup of the coloring books in the store were just so aesthetically pleasing I had to have one for myself? Maybe the pictures inside reminded me of spring and I’m anticipating it’s arrival? Or I could just be so used to hopping on the bandwagon that I’ve done it subconsciously? The above thoughts have lingered in my mind, seemingly acceptable reasons.
But there may be another reason. It may be that I’ve changed? Possibly grown into something that I once didn’t like. Could it be? This belief, that I don’t like coloring, is just push back from the part of me that is afraid of change. I was once so sure that coloring was not for me, but now? Well I just might be interested.
This spill isn’t really about coloring. I mean, yes I really did have some change of heart towards it, but it’s deeper than that. How much deeper? I’m not sure. But being on my own, living on my own, has me realizing that the Liz I thought I for sure knew is fading away. A different Liz is emerging. I mean I like her, but it's just...different.
Did I think I would stay the same forever? Haha
The words to express all of what I’m trying to say are hiding somewhere inside. I have yet to find them, but I hope this analogy has helped a little.