During the last week I felt a WIDE range of emotions. So I jotted them down hoping to capture the fullness of all the feels.
Saturday evening, we lay uncomfortably in the heatless sun, staring into the blue abyss. Alany, pointing upward said,"I wish there were clouds we could look at."
Without hesitation I agreed. But then, I disagreed, "we can watch the birds instead." High high up in the sky two birds played a game of tag. Another bird, maybe a Red Kite but maybe not, soared aimlessly. We watched.
Breaking the silence Alany questioned, "I wonder what they're doing"
"What do you mean?" I asked intrigued by her thoughts.
"Like, do they know where they're going? Or are they just flying for fun?" Watching them a little more closely now, I wondered if their flight pattern meant anything to them. Some nights, in my room, I can hear the crow's thunderous squawk. It can get so loud sometimes that I'm drawn to my window to open the curtains and see what they're on about. But I only see them flying in giant clusters from one tree to the next tree to the next. Why? I haven't the slightest clue.
Lying on your back, looking up at the sky you feel small. Just over to the left of the playful birds, some hundred miles, was a plane. Making its way somewhere. The thought came back in my head. The same thought that comes every time I see a plane flying overhead. That will be me so soon. As if reading my mind Alany says "I'm going to miss you" I'm thankful to have people to miss.
Sunday morning I tried slowing down time with my mind. It kind of worked. Worshiping with my brothers and sisters across the globe one last time felt surreal. Listening to dozens of voices lifting up One Name I was overcome with gratitude. It hadn't hit me until then, while singing praise to Jesus, that quiet and quaint Bethel Church was the biggest blessing I had received since coming to Carmarthen. And possibly the hardest thing I'd have to leave behind. That morning, the church sent me out in prayer, encouragement and many hugs. Thinking back on my first visit there, an oh-so-nervous liz wanted nothing but to blend in and slip out. But I was pulled into their friendships, families, and homes so sincerely that leaving felt and still feels uncomfortably wrong. Yet I leave knowing I'll see them all again, in this life hopefully but for sure the next.
Sunday evening, sitting out on the lawn with friends-quickly-turned-family. Soaking in the the sureality of all that the day entailed. Unbelievable. Around the dinner table, amidst the chaos, a heavy weight filled me. A pang of realization that these moments, life and adventure in this beautiful country, with these unique individuals is coming to a close.
And now I'm wishing I had done more. But dwelling on that wont change a thing. I know that life here was meaningful, the mistakes made weren't in vain, the lessons learned will carry on and the experiences are apart of me now. None of us are going back home the same person we left as (at least we shouldn't be). That's exciting! As ever-changing as we are, this particular change has been epic, memorable, and dare I say life-altering.
Thursday Morning I wake up feeling dismantled. As my eyes adjust to the room I notice the sun isn't shining through the curtains (as it had been for weeks now). Looking outside I'm oddly content with this fog and these clouds. Maybe because they seem to match how I feel. After having a wonderful, adrenaline filled day yesterday I unexpectedly went to sleep with a heavy heart and jumbled thoughts. All at once my mind realized what's about to take place; I'm going back. Back to the hustle and bustle, no more quiet wanders in Wales. Back to people who might expect me to be the same (fair warning I'm not), back to the temptation of routine... Back And Away. Away from my flatmates. The people I've lived with, cooked with, laughed with, taken out the trash with, done everything with. But when will I see them again? Parting to opposite sides of the world. I have to say goodbye and I hate goodbyes because I suck at them. Now I'll have to laugh at our inside jokes alone because no one else will get it. I'm afraid that no one else will get me. And a little bit of that plus a lot of other things triggered anxiety, stress, and restlessness.
Friday Night we crowded in the kitchen one last time. Preparing a big meal to celebrate a wondrous 4 months (and Addin's birthday). Tonights dish was Nasi Goreng, three different types and enough for us all to be stuffed! My eyes burned from the amount of chilli peppers being cut and cooked, yes my spice tolerance has increased. Addin described the night as rewang; a coming together to do something collaboratively, like prepare to feast. We shared memories and laughed uncontrollably. The kitchen was filled with a language I didn't speak but I couldn't help but smile because I still felt apart of it. My Bahasa Malay vocabulary had grown, and I was kind of following along. The language sounds beautiful to my ears and playful on my lips. My heart is as full as my belly tonight. Man I hate goodbyes.
While I did attempt, words could never express the gratitude for EVERYONE I got to meet (if I didn't get to write about you specifically, know that I'll always carry the memories). Though I don't know how or when quite yet, I will be coming back to this place we called home.
To find out what's next scroll down and take a read!
On May 31st, I will be in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for my second year at Summer Beach Project. While I am positive that God will do a lot in me this summer, I am even more hopeful that he will use me in the lives of those He's pursuing. I believe God is going to grow my vision for life-on-life discipleship and spiritual leadership over the summer. I am confident that He will shape and mold my character, increase my love for Him and others, and make Himself known to many people in Myrtle Beach and beyond. In order to participate in SBP, students recruit a team of family, friends, local churches, and businesses to pray for and help fund this opportunity. I would be incredibly grateful if you considered joining God's mission and partnering with me this summer through prayer and financial support. The link for online giving is;
sbp2k18.com/finances
Looking back and seeing how God worked last summer I cannot fathom the things He's got planned this time around. If you want to know more information about this opportunity give me a call, text, email anything.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. I've taken great pleasure writing my experiences down. Until we meet again.
With much love,
Liz