Do you ever look at a picture of yourself and wonder "is that really me?" Not in a horrified way, but just simply intrigued by the person in the photo. "Are those all the features of the body I've been dwelling inside?" Sometimes I can stare my picture and turn away completely puzzled. Because I feel like I'm analyzing the face of a girl I vaguely recognize, someone I'm hesitant to claim. Factually, I know it’s me but I can’t seem to believe it. Those set of eyes with that jawline and this cheek structure, a fairly average nose with similarly average lips all pile in together to make what friends & family recognize as “Liz”.
But at the oddest of times, I don’t recognize her. I look again, feeling my eyebrows bunch up in confusion, trying to imagine that this is indeed the face I’ve been talking out of, and carrying around on my shoulders. The one people see when holding conversation. This is the one that kids stare at because apparently I’m rare here. But aren’t we all? Aren’t we all one-of-a-kind unique. And I say this in the least cliche way...
Do you ever look at faces that you’ve looked at for years (your best friend, co-worker, relative etc.), then in an instant, all at once, their face morphs into something completely different. The same eyes and nose and cheeks, and mouth now fit together in a new fashion, making the familiar unfamiliar again.
In these moments, when I look at myself and don’t recognize, I see a brand new face. One that I want to study and love and cherish forever. I see Ryan and Isaac, and Mom, and Dad mixed into one girl that stares back at me. Yep. This is me, well, the outside me at least. The one people see. And make judgements on.
And sometimes.
Sometimes, in this brain of mine, life stands still. And all together, past, present and future; things fall in clumps, sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe. And I let it suffocate me just for a bit, wanting to feel the pressure of my little world. Then I squeeze out from under it and store it back in the box of my mind labeled 'miscellaneous' . I decide today has enough worries of its own.